If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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