that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
