I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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