U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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