The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
