Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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