She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
