That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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