Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
