my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I need a burrito and a hug.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
