i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Boobs speak an international language.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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