It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
