The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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