That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
