My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
