She's JV to your varsity
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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