Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
