I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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