non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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