Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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