Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops