i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.