Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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