Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.