i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
