Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The best revenge is premature balding
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
