I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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