Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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