Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
