Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
