I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
