i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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