so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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