you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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