I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
