sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
