That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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