I'm going to rape someone's good day.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
