I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
