I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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