dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
