I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
