Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
