why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i will never coherently bang her
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
