Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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