Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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