She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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