Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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