the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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