Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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