You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
