she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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