Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
