You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
