also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm like, not good at living.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
