If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
