did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
