I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
