hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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