Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
