When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
