I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
