I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
