True but thats because hes a fetus.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
